i have not wanted to make art in a long time.

february is just endless, isn't it? so much of one's energy goes toward just making it through. like right now, sitting on the couch wearing a thick scarf and scritchy long underwear under my jeans, typing while my white cat tries to stick her paws up my armpit.

But I can't blame the long winter for my choice not to make visual art since graduation. I literally have not made anything but Christmas cards (which were great fun, I'm not discounting those, but let's face it--they don't carry much in the way of nuanced visual symbolism) since last May. I saw a friend walking downtown the other day carrying a large cylindrical container the size of both his legs, hurrying toward a gallery where he was hanging his work in a show. Seeing the anxious focus on his face, I felt a dry twinge of recognition and vaguely wished I had the motivation to bring forth work.

See, but here's the thing (and I'm teaching an art class right now, so I've had plenty of opportunity to think about these issues): I no longer find anything interesting in visual metaphor. Someone's got an installation about the isolation of having a speech impediment? Sounds clever, but not interested. A show of prints about the emotional costs of advancing technology? Snore. Even art about things that touch my life in real ways, like food or aunthood or birds--all of it is currently failing to billow my skirt.

At the same time, I find myself dipping back into the well of loneliness in my past for things to write about. I don't think I'm wallowing in a period of artists' block, not rejecting all forms of creative expression--just the ones I find tedious. It's a disturbing thing to realize--getting an advanced degree in art may have ruined me for making it. The green and tender shoots of stories keep pushing up through my frozen sediments, though. There may be hope for me yet. I've just gotta keep my eyes to the sky.

my material wants are beginning to snowball.

boy oh boy do i want some things. besides the car i mentioned a couple of posts ago, i now want a new pair of binoculars and a spotting scope, as well as a GPS unit and a handheld personal video player/camcorder. and do i deserve these things? as much as any industrialized-world member of the privileged classes does! which is to say, well, no.

ah, it doesn't matter. i've become one of those people who convinces themselves that they would throw themselves more passionately into their hobby if they just had THE RIGHT GEAR. how many times have we all heard THAT before? but i really think that in my case it's true! birding has become sort of a theoretical thing for me, Bahamas warblers notwithstanding--I just don't get out there like I want to, even though I live right next to a huge park! woe is me. really i'm just sort of bemoaning my restlessness in midwinter as i type confessions to my blog while my boyfriend is out watching the Grammys and probably getting to see all the cool outfits which I can't see cause we DON'T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION.

which, yes, all right, was my decision since i am an incurable addict and will lose up to 6 hours on the couch if we had one. But still!

How dare he!

whoa. ok, the slide into materialistic self-pitiiful wallowing will hereby come to a halt. sorry everyone! smooches! (esp. to Erin!)

this crazy winter weather makes me wonder.

I wonder if the snow will stick this time (it hasn't been, recently).
I wonder if winter will last longer this year because it's taken so long to get itself together.
I wonder if the rain we had this morning will mean ice on the roads.
I wonder if the donuts at the bakery are fresh enough to warrant the walk.
I wonder if I will do the laundry like I promised.
I wonder what the birds are doing in weather such as this.
I wonder if my boyfriend's car will make it through the weekend.
I wonder how long I will last writing on the couch before I fall back to sleep.